yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
