if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You smell like stripper and shame
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
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I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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