So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
