You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
