i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
