Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
