his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
