Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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