I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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