you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
