Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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