Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
