People in love make me want to vomit
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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