Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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