How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
