He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
