His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
