Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
