come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
