Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
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Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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