the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
