thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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