I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
