i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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