Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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