it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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