Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
