dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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