I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
