just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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