In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
honey bunches of taint.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
