I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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