Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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