she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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