Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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