the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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