her vagine was all disorganized.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
