Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So much rum. So many feels.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
