Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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