4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
