From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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