you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
