tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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