I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
