I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The air taste purple.
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