and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
