I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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