the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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