so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
