i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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