Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
