Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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