New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
