I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
