Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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