love makes seman taste better
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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