You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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