6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
