i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
only you would photoshop your dick
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
